


Sayonara ha mirai no hajimari

by DreamingOf4A



Series: The bitter side of bittersweet [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Crying, Emotionally Repressed, Friendship, Gen, Heavy Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 12:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14105373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingOf4A/pseuds/DreamingOf4A
Summary: "Dangling his feet a few inches off the ground, to the rhythm of the music, Yuzuru let his thoughts roam free."Only his newfound freedom is on the bitter side of bittersweet...





	Sayonara ha mirai no hajimari

**Author's Note:**

> Try not to hate me too much for this lol It is pure angst. Be warned.

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

When his mother went to visit a friend in another city, Yuzuru asked to be taken along. His mother had been surprised, but agreed.

It was only when they were in the car, that he told her he didn’t plan to go all the way to the next city.

His rehabilitation included physical exercise, but nothing to really strain his ankle. Running was not allowed yet, but walking was highly encouraged. Long walks, with many breaks, and a not too fast, steady rhythm were ideal.

As walking within the city had become… well, not quite impossible, but very hard and very, very awkward, Yuzuru decided to walk outside the city.

When they were some 7-8 kms away from Ice Rink Sendai, he asked his mother to stop, got off, plugged in his earphones and waved his mother on her way.

She worried about him, but she knew him well enough to understand.

It wasn’t just the exercise.

Yuzuru needed a break from the world.

And walking down the empty roads of his home land would give him that.

For extra security, he jammed a cap on and pulled his hood over as well, plus glasses. He’d probably still get recognized, if someone took a close, good look at him. But from a distance, he probably looked like any normal youngster.

That was how he found himself sitting on what had probably been the foundation of a house, overlooking empty fields. Somewhere, far, far in the distance, he could see that house. The one that stood testament to the tsunami that had swept these grounds.

Dangling his feet a few inches off the ground, to the rhythm of the music, Yuzuru let his thoughts roam free.

It wasn’t something he’d been able to really do before. He’d always had to be careful, before.

Not anymore. Now he was completely free.

Free to think.

Free to feel.

Free to act.

He wasn’t surprised when the first place his thoughts flew to was a land far away, bathed in sunshine and warmth. The land where his… where Javier had returned to live.

Not that Yuzuru cared as much about the land, as he did the man.

He remembered finishing his free program at the Olympics. Feeling the relief that it was over. The rush of energy flowing out of him at that realization.

He remembered the surge of happiness as Javier’s score was announced. Happiness for Javier, for finally getting his Olympic medal. Happiness at himself for his increased chance of Gold.

He didn’t remember hugging Nathan, but had been relieved to see footage that he had. Even if the younger skater hadn’t seemed to appreciate it as much, to Yuzuru it was important to show his own appreciation. Whether it was accepted or not.

He did remember Javier walking in, looking bewildered and like it hadn’t kicked in at all.

He remembered moving to him, even though his mind most definitely had not given that command. He remembered his arms wrapping around Javi’s neck, like someone else was controlling his body and he was but a passenger.

He remembered breaking down and sobbing hard and mumbling stupid things about wishing they could both get gold.

He remembered Javier’s utter confusion at his breakdown. He remembered Javier saying he’d be happy if Yuzuru won. He remembered the man being kind and supportive as always. And so warm and comforting.

He remembered then breaking down again as Shoma’s score was announced and his second gold medal was confirmed.

He remembered all the feelings battling for supremacy inside of him.

Happiness.

Relief.

Pride.

Satisfaction.

Despair.

Loneliness.

And a need to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry for days until there was no more moisture left in his body.

He couldn’t let himself do that, though.

He had ceremonies to attend and press conferences and TV shows and people to meet and be congratulated by.

It wasn’t easy. Holding onto that flood of tears. But he found that as ready as he had been to let them flow in Javier’s arms, he was very reluctant to do it away from them.

He wasn’t really surprised by that.

Javier had no idea, but he was the person Yuzuru trusted the most in the entire world.

Yuzuru himself wasn’t entirely sure how that had happened. Their bond, all the stuff they had in common… all the stuff they went through that only the two of them could understand. All of that had contributed, of course. But it was more than that.

Yuzuru had found that Javier was the only person he could trust to always be honest with him. Javier found it impossible to lie. Even when his words were lies, his body, his eyes, his gestures told the truth.

And Javier was also the only person Yuzuru trusted to support him if he showed he needed it. Never had Javier left him hanging. Even if he was confused, even if he was annoyed, even if he worried about the consequences, Javier would always be by his side if Yuzuru needed it.

It wasn’t out of some deep seated affection - although Yuzuru knew Javier cared; it was in his nature to - but rather because Javier was a genuinely nice guy. He would never say no to someone who needed him. Regardless of who that someone was.

Yuzuru had promised himself never to take advantage of that.

After Javier had comforted him in Shanghai and Yuzuru’s brain and heart had short-circuited at the words the man had told him, Yuzuru had sworn to himself never to take that for granted. And then he sealed that vow with the knowledge of what Javier had to say about that same moment.

It was then that Yuzuru had realized that he and Javier had completely different views and perspectives on their relationship. That had only been confirmed further in time, through various comments.

He saw them as friends and Javier was probably the person he felt closest to in the whole world. Even more than his mother, who supported him and followed him to the ends of the world, but would never be able to understand his skating life. Even more than Brian, who was with him every step of the way, but who could not understand all of his struggles growing up. Not like Javier could, if he would. It wasn’t so much that Javier did understand him, actually. It was just that, if necessary, Javier had the ability to. He had the tools and the personal experience to understand him.

Javier saw them as rinkmates. He was probably still confused about Yuzuru and he probably understood his words a lot less than he let out. Yuzuru was sure there was a lot lost in translation between them. On top of that, Yuzuru’s anti-social behavior had probably upset Javier early on, when he kept trying to get Yuzuru to go out and hang out and meet people. By now, he probably just shrugged at his weird Japanese teammate. He was nice, still, and he still chatted about friends and girlfriends and home. But once Yuzuru had realized it, it became obvious that Javier did not think of them as friends.

It had hurt, at first. A lot. A lot more than it should have.

Yuzuru had, as clinically as possible, analyzed his own feelings.

He sighed remembering his conclusion.

He’d pushed it away.

He’d had no time for feelings. Especially that kind of feelings.

It hadn’t been easy, but he’d poured himself into his skating. Sacrificed everything to it. Even his health. Until he’d realized that wasn’t good, because he needed his health for his ultimate goal.

Boston had set that in stone.

He’d pushed away his feelings and pushed himself as far as he could go, and beyond, for that second Olympic Gold Medal.

He could deal with, admit, confess and act upon his feelings after he achieved his goal.

He laughed bitterly at his own naivete.

He’d completely pushed Javier away, too. Which the man grudgingly accepted and their relationship soured badly.

The more it hurt, the harder Yuzuru pushed.

He’d stupidly thought that he only had to do that until the Olympics. Then he could come clean.

And he’d get his happy ending.

As if the world would just stand still and wait for him.

Even as he broke down in Javier’s arms, clinging to him and Javier comforted him, he knew.

His time had run up long ago.

Nobody and nothing was waiting for him, now that he was free.

And then, in front of the whole world, Javier had pulled him and Shoma close and told them it was his last Olympics.

Yuzuru had known that. It had probably been his last Olympics, too.

It hadn’t been the words, but the tone.

It had been a goodbye tone.

Javier was saying goodbye.

Javier was essentially confirming what Yuzuru had known. That his time was up. That any chance he might have had was now gone.

Unable to hold back in the face of those warm brown eyes and those strong arms, he’d broken down again. And then, without his brain ever catching up, he’d uttered those words.

“I can’t. I can’t do it without you.”

He’d felt Javier’s shock. His pain. His “what the fuck can I say to that?” thoughts.

He’d done it. He’d taken advantage of Javier’s nice nature.

Javier wanted to retire and Yuzuru had gone and forced him to choose between being nice and doing what he wanted.

He’d hated himself as soon as the words had left his mouth. He’d tried to disguise it. He’d made a joke. He’d fanned himself. He’d seen Javier still troubled about it.

So, he’d done what he’d become an expert in. He’d pushed away his feelings, stomped on them and squeezed them in a box, out of sight, and thrown himself into celebrating and having fun.

He’d wanted Javier - and the whole world - to think he’d just been overly emotional then, in the aftermath of victory. But that he was, in fact, fine. Happy. Cheerful. Joking. Having fun. Not a care in the world! And he had so many friends to have fun with! And he could get ice dancers to play with him and lift him and no longer had to make Javi risk his back for his silly whims!

He was fine without Javi. He would be fine without Javi.

Whether Javi bought it or not, he had no idea.

He’d allowed himself just one thing.

As he and Javi had taken to the ice together, for the Finale, Yuzuru had held his hands out behind him and held his breath.

Within moments, big warm hands had gently touched them.

Yuzuru had smiled.

He could always count on Javi.

He’d squeezed and held those hands that had helped him up so many times.

He’d tried to speak words he’d never said, through that touch.

“Thank you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I love you.”

“Be happy.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I’m sorry.”

As the hands had left his, Yuzuru’s heart had shattered. His messages had not been received. But a warm arm had then wrapped around his waist and Yuzuru had felt that held a message of its own.

“I will never forget you. Count on me.”

Days later, Yuzuru had found an interview with Javier.

In that interview, Javier had referred to them as friends.

He’d cried.

And now, sitting on the ruins of someone’s life, tears streamed down his face again.

Javier was a world away.

They would see each other again.

Javier would come to Japan this Summer. Maybe for his show, maybe not. Certainly for other shows.

Javier would also come back to Toronto and they would surely do stroking exercises together  again.

But Javier’s home was no longer in Toronto.

And they would never compete together again. Most likely.

Yuzuru was sure Javier did not want to compete against him again.

Which he understood, although it also hurt.

Now, he allowed himself to feel the hurt.

To cry.

Cry for lost time.

Cry for lost friendships.

Cry for lost love.

Cry for all the sacrifices he’s made.

Cry for the knowledge they were not in vain.

Cry for the pain he still felt despite that.

Cry for years of suppressed pain and tears and a desperate desire to be more than he could allow himself to be while chasing his goals.

Cry for his lost dreams.

Cry for his broken heart.

Cry for his uncertain future.

Cry for the lack of freedom he knew would continue, possibly for the rest of his life.

Cry for Yuzuru Hanyu, the boy who never got to live the normal life of a teen. Or a young man.

Cry all the tears he would not allow himself to cry again in public.

There was only one person Yuzuru trusted with his tears.

A person who would fly across the Ocean to hold him as he cried, if he asked. Even while he wouldn’t understand why.

His training mate.

His friend.

His best friend.

His first love.

Perhaps, his only love.

Javier Fernandez.

Javi.

“I’m so sorry...” Yuzuru whispered to the winds.

Although whether he was apologizing to the man slowly extracting himself from his life, or to his own heart, he didn’t know.

It didn’t matter anyway.

He was Yuzuru Hanyu.

A chapter in his life had ended.

A new one had begun.

Whether he liked it or not.

**Author's Note:**

> Sayonara ha mirai no hajimari = Goodbye is the beginning of the future
> 
> The title is from an anime song, sang by Megumi Ogata. The song is actually quite uplifting, but I thought it fit anyway... it might be the most positive thing in this otherwise depressing story ^_^;;;
> 
> I have no sequels planned for this, despite the title and ending. Though I guess it depends what happens in real life lol
> 
> I've been dealing with a lot of Yuzu/Javi angst and this was begging to be written. It's also inspired by the change in Yuzu's attitude. Going from clinging to Javi and "I can't do it without you" to bouncing off the walls, fooling around and playing with so many other skaters. It seemed weird then, and combined with Javi's somewhat confused reaction, it led me to this. On top of that, some of the comments Javi has made do feel like he and Yuzu have quite different perspectives on their relationship - friendship, camaraderie, whatever it is. (I actually have a longer series planned on that theme, but for now, I really had to get this out of my system.)
> 
> I hope you like it anyway ^_^


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